restless

Its only 10 pm here but we’ve been in bed since 7:30 because today was flea market day.  We had a great day in sales actually best in a while but I just can’t sleep. I guess I have so much on my mind and it just won’t rest till I write this evening.  I am so excited because in another day my son will be visiting with his girlfriend for Thanksgiving.  I  didn’t say anything sooner because I expected it to not happen and now it really is happening. I haven’t seen my son in about 1 1/2 years and I try to not to get my hopes up because of all the disappointments I have had.  I am Thankful for a wonderful husband who always supports me and is always there for me on my rough days. The days I lay in bed and still have the memories of all the pain I’ve encountered especially the ones in the last six years, Well enough about that I am so Thankful that I get to see my son this week and I have lots of great things scheduled.  You see the gifts I gave my children started when they were young. Instead of actual things I get my children trips to places and in their stockings would be tickets to events when we would travel. We spent many Christmases in Gatlinburg, Tennessee those were some of my favorite memories with all my children. So this Thanksgiving I gave my son an early 21st birthday and Christmas gift by flying him out to Tennessee but this year is Nashville. 

I remember the Thanksgiving we had when we went around the table and said what we were Thankful for but those days are long gone. I can be Thankful if I get a call once or twice a year now. 

You would think that a parent would not make the mistakes of her past but it happens all the time. You try so hard to be different and make better decisions but you end up making them worse. Only God knows my heart and I am so grateful that he has never left me.  One of my favorite songs and I do have many is Truth be told and in it is says how everybody’s life is perfect except yours and that is so true. That is such a lie no ones life is perfect but we look at the outside and see what they portray and we don’t care about what is really going on. We don’t care about the truth. We don’t want to be bothered with anyone else’s yuck we have our own. My prayer since I started this journey of adventure is for God to show me what he wants to show me and use me for him and for me to take the time and actually listen to others and see their pain and not judge them because the way they live isn’t the way I would live because who  am I ? I have done and said things that are totally wrong I have made huge mistakes in my life and I am no better than the next person.  My biggest obstacle is that I have always really cared but my mannerisms and attitude have seemed different to many. I have always had this tough exterior and that is being born and raised in Brooklyn, NY but I haven’t totally learned to show in my facial expressions my true heart which God has always known. So I pray that God helps me in that area and helps me show empathy on the outside if that makes any sense to anyone. I know it won’t sound right too many but in this writing God also knows what I mean.  This writing and this adventure in my life this year is really for me and I don’t know what tomorrow holds but I do know I am a child of God and he will direct my steps.  I’m not sure what I will write about next but I do know God will keep me up till I write so I will be obedient.  In Gods timing the whole story will be shared but we will see where God leads next.